A thrilling Guide to navigating what comes after the “Do.”
Welcome, get a drink, and have a seat. Let’s talk. Well, if you’re here, that means you maybe had sex, whether that be for the first time or the 100th. You may be getting attacked by different emotions and thoughts all at once, but I’m here to tell you that that is completely normal after having a sexual encounter. You may be asking yourself, “Should I have done that?”, “Were we responsible enough? Did I even like that?”
Many of us have never received the sex talk, and even fewer have had a conversation about what we may be feeling mentally, emotionally, and physically after sex- you’re not alone! Before we dive in, let’s talk about the type of sex you may have had.
Important Types of sex
Sex is not a one-size-fits-all deal; everyone does it differently, but there are some types I think are important to talk about. Here are some things to consider:
Was it consensual and enjoyed on both ends? This looks like both people consented to everything that took place, enjoyed what was happening from beginning to end, and were respectful of any boundaries that may have been established. If this was your experience, congratulations on your great time!
Was it not consensual and forced? This may look like you were too afraid to say no, were unable to consent, or you didn’t take no for an answer. This can also look like coercion, the act of reluctantly agreeing to acts because you felt pressured or guilty. If this was unfortunately your experience, know that that was not okay, and there are many resources available where you can seek help and support (see resource list at the end).
Was it unplanned? Sometimes we get caught up in the moment and spontaneously do things we didn’t intend to or even think about. If this is you, you may be worrying about things like STDs or pregnancy.
Maybe your experience left you feeling a little unsure. That is totally normal as well. You could’ve consented, but afterward regretted what happened or even felt guilty about it.
Whatever your experience was, there are some steps you can take afterward to take care of your mind and body.
Mental load of sex
Many people may not address their mental state after having sex, especially for the first time. Here are some ways you can better take care of yourself mentally after.
Be honest with yourself. Ask self-reflection questions like “Did I enjoy the experience?” It is okay and highly recommended to be honest with yourself in these situations. Being honest can help you decide the type of decisions you want to make the next time around.
You are not a “dirty” or “bad” person. Despite what you may have learned, sex does not define the type of person you are. There’s sometimes a bad stigma around having and/or enjoying sex, and today we are clearing the air. You are the same person you were before you had sex; there is no need to feel ashamed.
Check in with yourself. Boundaries are an important part of sex, and if it was your first time or maybe even just a new experience of some sort, you may have realized some things about yourself. If you feel like your boundaries were not maintained or that you have a new boundary that you may have, thinking about how you can voice them to your partner(s) for next time is a good way to ensure you have better experiences.
Emotional Load After Sex
Attachments after sex are real. Sex releases hormones such as oxytocin, which is important for forming a bond and attachment. This rush of hormonal releases during sex and climax can make people feel trusting of and deeply bonded to one another. If you find yourself feeling attached more than usual to a person you had sex with, remember it is a normal occurrence as the hormones that release influence our attachment to people.
Talk about it with your partner. If you’ve had sex with someone that you are dating, especially if it was the first time with that person, having a conversation about how you both are feeling about it or even what it now means for your relationship can ensure you are on the same page.
Indifferent feelings are normal. Not everyone will experience a rush of feelings or emotions, which is okay. Feeling indifferent about the experience doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or that you had a bad experience; it just happened.
Physical Care after Sex
Emergency Contraceptives are your friends when needed. If you had unprotected sex, the condom broke, or you haven’t been taking your birth control as prescribed, an emergency contraceptive could prevent an unwanted pregnancy if taken within the appropriate window. It is important to know that they should not be taken as a normal form of birth control.
Schedule an appointment for STI testing. Many STIs do not show symptoms right away so even if you feel okay, scheduling a testing appointment after sex is your best bet. Many STIs are treatable, but you can only treat infections you know about.
Do not freak yourself out. Many of us panic after having sex for the first time and depend on sources like Google or a Reddit thread to tell us what is going on, but the results are always so extreme. If something feels off after having sex, consult a medical professional so that if something is wrong, it can get taken care of in a timely and appropriate manner.
Key Takeaways
Taking care of yourself and/or your partner mentally, emotionally, and physically after sex is just as important as consent or remembering to use a condom. If you are engaging in sex, it is best to ensure that you have a healthy and safe relationship with yourself and your partner(s). You deserve care, even if it just comes from yourself.
Whether the sex you had was everything you expected, or nothing close to what you imagined, it is a human experience and does not define you as a person. The best thing you can do for yourself is to check in mentally, emotionally, and physically. Making sure you’re okay on all fronts is a priority.
Self-reflect, affirm yourself, take steps to ensure your physical health remains intact, and seek help from a trusted source or professional if needed. Sexual health goes way beyond physical engagement, and the encounters you experience have the ability to shape your thoughts about different things and even about yourself. Take care of your whole self, not just the parts that may (or may not) feel good!
Resources you should view:
What happens to the female body after sex
All about Emergency Contraceptives
National Sexual Assault Hotline
Written by Quishylah Navarro of Own Every Piece
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